The Twirly Caves Tales
by Daughter of Sekhmet
Summary: When members of G.I. Joe and Cobra get trapped in a labyrinthine cave system with only a local girl to guide them out, boredom quickly leads to--of all things--a story telling contest. These are their tales.
1. General Prologue

**A/N: What's this? A story that isn't Star Wars? *le gasp!* I'm trying to get at least one story started for every fandom that I'm a part of (I am sooo going to die before that happens --_--; ). So yeah, I got inspired to begin this when we read The Canterbury Tales in English.**

**I don't own G.I. Joe, but since the Canterbury Tales is in the public domain, I can technically make money off of it. I just don't feel like doing so at the moment. ;)**

The battle started much like any other battle. Cobra was trying to blackmail the US (as usual) by taking over a nuclear power plant in Southern California and threatening to destroy it and the surrounding area, and GI Joe had been called in to stop the threat (as usual). When the battle invariably turned in the Joes' favor, the Cobra high command predictably turned tail in retreat. A few Joes managed to break through the line to pursue them into a forest. When they reached a clearing, Cobra command turned to fight the Joes. As usual, the Joes, despite being outnumbered, started to gain the upper hand.

Things took an unusual turn, however, when the ground suddenly opened up beneath them and most of the battlers plummeted into the earth.

There was nothing but complete darkness. Duke groaned as he slowly sat up and rubbed the back of his neck. "Everybody all right?"

He was answered by groans and moans. Scarlett hissed in pain as she tested the movement in her right wrist, and Snake Eyes somehow managed to put a hand on her arm comfortingly. Roadblock, after making sure nothing in his body was broken or otherwise seriously injured, started feeling around for his Browning machine gun.

A soft moan went up from a few feet away. "Anybody get the license number of that truck?" Cobra Commander asked in a slightly slurring voice.

Destro was the next to speak up. "I think there's something pinning my legs. Baroness? Where are you?"

"Right here." There were sounds of pebbles being kicked and boots scraping across the ground. "Okay, I think I found you. I've got my hand on your shoulder."

"I don't feel anything on my shoulder."

"That would be _my_ shoulder," Stormshadow interrupted.

"Hello? Whose there?" A harsh white light suddenly flooded the room, causing everyone's hands to leap to their eyes in protest. "Oh! Sorry about that!" The light dimmed just enough for their eyes to adjust. When they could finally look, they saw a girl in her late teens holding an electric lamp. In the light her skin was light brown, a few shades lighter than her eyes. Her short black hair was held back with a cloth headband. She was wearing a plain dark gray shirt, a black jacket tied around her waist, khaki capris and light brown hiking boots. "Where you on the surface?"

"Yes, we were," Duke answered as he stood up. "Do you know where we are right now?"

The girl nodded. "You're in the Twirly Caves. It's a large series of caverns that run through the area. You must have gotten caught in one of the cave-ins."

By this time Cobra Commander had recovered from his temporary mental trauma. He also stood up, but instead it was to glare at the girl. "And who exactly are you? What are you doing down here?"

When the girl turned to the Commander, her eyes widened in recognition and fear. "Uh, my name is Denice Williams," she answered in a fearful voice. "I was down here spelunking with some friends, but I got separated from them while trying to escape a cave-in. I was looking for the mouth of the caves when I heard your voices." She visibly gulped. "You're Cobra Commander, right?"

"No, I'm Pat Sajak, and you just won a million dollars," the Commander replied sarcastically. "Of course I'm Cobra Commander, who else?"

"Commander, I don't really think now is the best time for cynicism," Destro said as the Baroness and Stormshadow finished digging out his legs. He then turned to Denice. "How knowledgeable are you about these caves?"

"I know as much about them as anyone can."

"Can you lead us out, then?" Scarlett asked.

Denice gave a slight grimace. "It's…going to be difficult at best. Is anybody too hurt to walk?"

"I think I'll do fine if I can lean on someone," Destro murmered.

"Wait," said Roadblock. "I haven't found my rifle yet."

The Baroness rolled her eyes at the remark. "And what are you going to need it for? Bats? We certainly don't have our weapons with us. We lost them in the cave-in, too."

"Come on, Roadblock," Duke said. "I don't really think you'll be needing that down here."

They set off into a tunnel opposite the one Denice came in from, Destro leaning on Stormshadow for support, and Roadblock grumbling about leaving a perfectly good gun behind. As they walked, Denice began to explain.

"There are two reasons these are called the Twirly Caves. The official reason is because it was the name of the gold miner who first found them. But I feel the second reason may be better. Because of the proximity of the San Andreas Fault, this area is geographically unstable. Cave-ins occur so often that new maps can become useless in days. Even the most experienced spelunker can become twirled around and completely lost in here."

"What, so we're trapped in here?" the Commander asked, a note of panic starting to creep into his voice.

"If we're lucky, we should be able to get to the mouth in about a day."

"_If_ we're lucky. Great. I'm going to die down here. I'm going to become nothing but a decaying skeleton and no one's ever going to find me. Wait. Do you hear that? Oh crap! I can see the ceiling cracking! It's going to collapse any second now! RUN FOR YOUR—"

_Whap!_

"Ow!"

"Would you quit with the hysterics, Commander?" Destro said crossly. "You scream any louder and you _will_ trigger another cave-in."

They continued walking in silence for a while after that. However, when the Commander started mumbling to himself again, Denice had a suggestion to make.

"How about we tell stories while we're looking for the exit? It'll help to pass the time and help us keep from panicking."

"Again," Scarlett added under her breath with a pointed glance at the Commander.

"It'll be just like _The Canterbury Tales._ We each tell one or two stories and we can decide who told the best one when we get out."

Looks were exchanged among the travelers, and with nothing better to do, they agreed with shrugs and "Sure, why not?"

"Okay, then," Denice said with a smile. "So begins the The Twirly Caves Tales."

**A/N: Personally, I think the beginning could be a bit better, but it's your opinion that counts, not mine. Review please. All flames will be used to make s'mores. :)**


	2. Snake Eyes', er, Destro's Prologue

"Now, who'll go first?" Denice asked. She was met with naught but silence. "Any volunteers?" The only sounds that could be heard was the scuffling of shoes against rock. Denice looked around until her eyes rested questioningly on Snake Eyes.

"Snake Eyes is mute," Duke said in answer. "He wouldn't be able to tell a story even if he wanted to."

"I guess I might as well start this off," Destro said. "I've just thought of one I could tell."

"Okay, then, let's hear it," Denice replied.

"The story I have in mind is more of a song. It's a Scottish medieval comic ballad, but I'm _not _going to sing it." He gave a warning scowl to the group. "Well, here goes…."

**A/N: Short, I know. Most of the prologues are going to be like that. Review, please. All flames will be used to make s'mores. :)**


	3. Destro's Tale

**A/N: This is an actual Scottish ballad that I found in my textbook. Personally, I think it's rather witty. :)**

It fell about the Martinmas time,

And a gay time it was then,

When our goodwife got puddings to make,

And she's boiled them in the pan.

The wind sae cauld blew south and north

And blew into the floor;

Quoth our Goodman to our goodwife,

"Gae out and bar the door."

"My hand is in my hussyfskap,

Goodman, as ye may see;

An it should nae be barred this hundred year,

It s' no be barred for me."

They made a paction tween them twa,

They made it firm and sure,

That the first word whaeer should speak

Should rise and bare the door.

Then by there came two gentlemen,

At twelve o'clock at night,

And they could neither see house nor hall,

Nor coal nor candle-light.

"Now whether is this a rich man's house,

Or whether is it a poor?"

But neer a word wad ane o' them speak,

For barring of the door.

And first they ate the white puddings,

And then they ate the black;

Tho muckle thought the goodwife to hersel,

Yet neer a word she spake.

Then said the one unto the other,

"Here, man, take ye my knife;

Do ye tak aff the auld man's beard,

And I'll kiss the goodwife."

"But there's nae water in the house,

And what shall we do then?"

"What ail ye at the pudding-broo

That boils in the pan?"

O up then started our goodman,

An angry man was he:

"Will ye kiss my wife before my een

And scad me wi' pudding-bree?"

Then up and started our goodwife,

Gied three skips on the floor:

"Goodman, you've spoken the foremost word,

Get up and bar the door!"

**A/N: If you can't figure out anything from the ballad, go ahead and ask. I'll try to explain to the best of my ability. Also, if you have any suggestion of stories that some of the other people can tell, I'm all ears (except for the Cobra Commander and Denice; I've already got stories for them). Review please. All flames will be used to make s'mores. :)**


	4. Stormshadow's Prologue

"What was _that_?" The Commander demanded. "Half of that was just plain gibberish!"

Destro glared at him before replying, "_That_ was an authentic ballad from the medieval ages. Language changes over time."

"You know, when you think about it, it is rather clever," Scarlett said.

"You kinda have to feel sorry for the couple," Denice added. "They got so caught up in that little squabble and quiet game of theirs' they ended up losing their dinner."

"Well, it's their own fault," the Commander said, ignoring the fact that Destro was glaring holes into the back of his head. "Language or not, it was still a stupid story!"

Stormshadow, who had been watching Destro, quietly interrupted. "Perhaps we should move on to a different story."

"I don't know, Destro might make miraculous recovery if the Commander keeps that up," Roadblock snickered.

Stormshadow continued as if not hearing the remark. "I think I know of a good story."

"Well then, let's hear it," the Commander grumbled. "Anything would be better than Destro's mumble-jumble."

After managing to calm Destro down, Stormshadow began.

**The Commander's not very considerate of other peoples' cultures, is he? Read and review, please. All flames will be used to make s'mores. :)**


	5. Stormshadow's Tale

**This Japanese tale is probably in the public domain, but if it isn't, it belongs to the Japanese. ;)**

So, having been expelled for playing a cruel trick on his sister Amaterasu, Susanoo to a place called Tori-kami at the head-waters of the River Hi in the land of Idzumo. At this time some chopsticks came floating down the stream. So Susanoo, thinking that there must be people at the head-waters of the river, went up ti in quest of them, when he came upon an old man and an old woman who had a young girl between them, and were weeping.

Then he deigned to ask: "Who are ye?" So the old man replied: "I am an Earthly Deity, child of the Deity Ohoyamatsumi. I am called Ashi-sutoroku-choro, my wife is called by the name of Te-choro-naderu, and my daughter is called by the name of Kushi-inada-hime."

Again Susanoo asked: "What is the cause of your crying?" The old man answered, saying: "I had originally eight young girls as daughters. But Yamato no Orochi of Koshi has come every year and devoured one, and it is now its time to come, wherefore we weep."

Then Susanoo asked him: "What is its form like?" The old man answered, saying: "Its eyes are like winter cherries, it has one body with eight heads and eight tails. Moreover on its body grows moss, and also cypreses and ceders. It's length extends over eight hills and eight valleys, and if one looks at its belly, it is constantly bloody and inflamed."

Then Susanoo said to the old man: If this be thy daughter, wilt thou offer her to me?" The old man replied, saying: "With reverence, but I know not your thine august name."

Then Susanoo replied, saying: "I am elder brother to Amaterasu, the sun goddess. So I have now descended from Heaven." Then the Deities Ashi-sutoroku-choro and Te-choro-naderu said: "If that be so, with reverence will we offer her to thee."

So Susanoo, at once taking and changing the young girl into a multitudinous and close-toothed comb which he stuck into his august hair-bunch, said to the Deities Ashi-sutoroku-choro and Te-choro-naderu: "Do you distill some eight-fold refined liquor. Also make a fence roundabout, in that fence make eight gates, at each gate tie together eight platforms, on each platform put a liquor vat, and into each vat pour the eight-fold refined liquor, and wait."

So as they waited after having thus prepared everything in accordance with his bidding, Yamato no Orochi came truly as the old man said, and immediately dipped a head into each vat, and drank the liquor. Thereupon it was intoxicated with drinking, and all the heads lay down and slept. Then Susanoo drew the Totsuka-no-Tsurugi, that was augustly girded upon him, and cut the serpent in pieces, so that the river Hi changed into a river of blood.

So when he cut the middle tail, the edge of his august sword broke. Then thinking it strange, he thrust into and split the flesh with the point of his august sword and looked, and there was a great sword within. So he took this great sword, and, thinking it a strange thing, he respectfully informed Amaterasu. This is the Kusanagi-no-Tsurugi.

**I know, I just know that some of those names are dead wrong. .; If anyone knows what the right names of the Great Mountain Possessor, Foot-stroking Elder or Hand-stroking Elder are, PLEASE tell me so I can fix it. But even if you don't know what they are either, please, read and review. All flames will be used to make s'mores. :)**


	6. Roadblock's Prologue

**A/N: Well, whadaya know, I actually updated something! Pretty strange that it would be this one, though, considering I've got Transformers on the brain right now. :/**

"Boring," droned the Commander. "Too much talk, not enough action."

It was Destro's turn to keep a hold of Storm Shadow, while Roadblock rolled his eyes. "You sure seem to be quite the critic, huh?" he asked, his voice thick with sarcasm.

"More of a critic than you, you lumbering grunter. You probably wouldn't know a good story if it jumped up and bit your nose off!"

"Well, I might not have gotten a Pulitzer Prize, but I do know some good old Southern folktales. Here, let me tell you my favorite."

**A/N: Damn, this chapter's short. With this story, though, I'm posting them two at a time, so it should be alright in the end, I think. If you can think of anything to make this one longer, though, I'm all ears. Even if you don't, review anyway, please. All flames will be used to make s'mores. :)**


	7. Roadblock's Tale

Back in the old days, Brer Lizard was an awful lot like Brer Frog, meaning he could sit upright like a dog. Things were like this for quite a spell. Then one day when they were walking down the road by their swamp, Brer Lizard and Brer Frog spotted some real nice pasture land with a great big pond that was on the far side of a great big fence. Ooo did that land look good. Looked like a great place for Brer Lizard to catch insects and other good food. And Brer Frog wanted a swim in that big ol' pond.

Brer Lizard and Brer Frog went right over to the fence, which got bigger and bigger as they approached. It kinda loomed over them, as big and tall as they were little and small. And the boards of that fence were mashed together real tight, and deep into the ground. It was too tall to hop over, and neither of them was much good at digging, so they couldn't go under. That fence said Keep Out pretty clear, even though no one had put a sign on it.

Well, Brer Lizard and Brer Frog sat beside that tall fence with their bottoms on the ground and their front ends propped up, 'cause Brer Lizard could still sit upright then jest like a dog, and they tried to figure out how to get through the fence. Suddenly, Brer Frog saw a narrow crack, low to the ground. "I'm going ta squeeze through that crack over there," he croaked. "Lawd, help me through!" And Brer Frog hopped over and pushed and squeezed and struggled and prayed his way through that tiny cracked until he popped out on t'other side. "Come on Lizard," Brer Frog called through the crack.

"I'm a-comin'!" Brer Lizard called back. "I'm a-goin' to sqeeze through this here crack, Lawd willin' or not!"

Brer Lizard scurried over to the crack in the fence and he pushed and squeezed and struggled and cursed. Suddenly, a rail fell down and mashed him flat! After that, Brer Lizard couldn't sit upright no more. And he never did get through that fence to eat them insects, neither!

**A/N: Well, wasn't that a cute little tale? Review, please. All flames will be used to make s'mores. :)**


End file.
